Polyamory

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Polyamory is a neologism, signifying having more than one long term sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved. Persons who enter into or consider themselves emotionally suited to such relationships may define themselves as polyamorous, often abbreviated to poly. The term is sometimes extended to refer to similar committed familial relationships that are not sexual in nature.


Terminology

Definition

Morning Glory's current definition, which she gave to the Editor of the Oxford English Dictionary (although there is no definition of polyamory included in the OED) when they contacted her in 1999 to enter the term:

"The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved."
This term was meant to be inclusive, and in that context, we have never intended to particularly exclude "swinging" per se, if practitioners thereof wished to adopt the term and include themselves. As far as we have understood, swinging specifically does not involve "cheating," and it certainly does involve having "multiple lovers"! Moreover, we understand from speaking with a few swinging activists that many swingers are closely bonded with their various lovers, as best friends and regular partners.
The two essential ingredients of the concept of "polyamory" are "more than one" and "loving." That is, it is expected that the people in such relationships have a loving emotional bond, are involved in each other's lives multi-dimensionally, and care for each other. This term is not intended to apply to merely casual recreational sex, anonymous orgies, one-night stands, pick-ups, prostitution, "cheating," serial monogamy, or the popular definition of swinging as "mate-swapping" parties.

History of term

Like 'television', polyamory is a hybrid word: 'poly' is Greek for 'many' and 'amor' is Latin for 'love'. It has been independently coined by several people; including Morning Glory Zell Ravenheart, whose article A Bouquet of Lovers (1990) encouraged the popularization of the term, and Jennifer Wesp who created the Usenet newsgroup alt.polyamory in 1992. However, the term has been reported in occasional use since the 1960s, and even outside polygamous cultures such relationships existed well before the name was coined; for one example dating from the 1920s.

Forms of polyamory

Poly relationship

Poly relationship is a blanket term covering forms of interpersonal relationship in which some or all participants have multiple sexual or romantic partners. Such relationships are also sometimes termed "nonmonogamous".

  • Polyfidelity, which involves multiple romantic relationships with sexual contact restricted to specific partners in a group. Such relationships are polyamorous, but not open.
  • Sub-relationships, which distinguish between "primary" and "secondary" relationships (e.g. most open marriages).
  • Polygamy (polygyny and polyandry), in which one person marries several spouses (who may or may not be married to or have a romantic relationship with one another).
  • Group relationships and group marriage (also sometimes termed polygynandry), in which several people all consider themselves equally associated to one another, popularized to some extent by Robert Heinlein (in novels such as Stranger in a Strange Land and The Moon is a Harsh Mistress), by Robert Rimmer and also by the author Starhawk in her books The Fifth Sacred Thing (1993) and Walking to Mercury (1997).
  • Plural marriage, a form of polygyny associated with the 19th-century Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and with present-day splinter groups from that faith.
  • PolyFamilies, similar to group marriage, but some members may not consider themselves married to all other members.
  • Networks of interconnecting relationships, where a particular person may have relationships of varying degrees of importance with various people.
  • Mono/poly relationships where one partner is monogamous but agrees to the other having outside relationships.
  • So-called "geometric" arrangements, which are described by the number of people involved and their relationship connections. Examples include "triads" and "quads", along with "V" and "N" geometries. The connecting member of a V relationship is sometimes referred to as a "hinge".


Some people in sexually exclusive relationships may still self-describe as polyamorous, if they have significant emotional ties to more than one other person.

'Open relationship'

Open relationship denotes a relationship (usually between two people) in which participants are free to take other partners; where the couple making this agreement are married, it is an open marriage. 'Open relationship' and 'polyamorous' are not identical terms:

  • Swinging, similar to open relationships, but commonly conducted as an organised social activity
  • Group sex and orgies involving more than two participants at the same time
  • ménage à trois, a sexual (or sometimes domestic) arrangement involving three people
  • Some relationships permit sex outside the primary relationship, but not love (cf swinging); such relationships are open, but not polyamorous.
  • Some polyamorists do not accept the dichotomies of "in a relationship/not in a relationship" and "partners/not partners"; without these divisions, it is meaningless to class a relationship as 'open' and 'closed'.

However, there is enough overlap between the two concepts that 'open relationship' is sometimes used as a catch-all substitute when speaking to people who may not be familiar with 'polyamory'.

Values within polyamory

Unlike the general case of swinging, polyamorous relationships generally involve an emotional bond, though the distinctions made between swinging and polyamory are a topic open to debate and interpretation. Many people in both the swinging and polyamory communities see both practices as part of a continuum of open intimacy and sexuality.

Note that the values discussed here are ideals. As with any ideals, their adherents sometimes fall short of the mark - but major breaches of a polyamorous relationship's ideals are taken as seriously as such breaches would be in any other relationship.

Fidelity

Most monogamists define fidelity as committing to only one partner (at a time), and having no other sexual or relational partners during such commitment. By contrast, most polyamorists define fidelity as being honest and forthcoming with their partners in respect to their relational lives, and keeping to the commitments they have made in those relationships.

Honesty and respect

Most polyamorists emphasize respect for all partners. Withholding information—even a "Don't ask, don't tell" agreement—is often frowned upon, because it implies that partners cannot handle the truth or trust those they love to keep their commitments. A partner's partners should be accepted as part of that person's life rather than merely tolerated.

Communication and negotiation

Because there is no 'standard model' for polyamorous relationships, participants in a relationship may have differing ideas about how that relationship should work. If unaddressed, such mismatched expectations can be extremely harmful to the relationship. For this reason, many polyamorists advocate explicitly deciding the ground rules of a relationship with all concerned. In contrast to some other forms of negotiated relationship (e.g. the prenuptial agreement) polyamorists commonly view this negotiation as an ongoing process throughout the lifetime of the relationship.

In more conventional relationships, participants can settle on a common set of expectations without having to consciously negotiate them, simply by following societal standards (a husband and wife are expected to support one another financially, for instance). Because polyamorous relationships cannot rely on societal standards as a starting point, much more within the relationship must be chosen along the way by talking and by mutual respect and understanding, rather than assumed.

Polyamorists usually take a pragmatic approach to their relationships; they accept that sometimes they and their partners will make mistakes and fail to live up to these ideals. When this happens, communication is an important channel for repairing any damage caused by such breaches.

Non-possessiveness

People in conventional relationships often agree not to seek other relationships under any circumstances, as they would threaten, dilute or substitute for the primary relationship. Polyamorists believe these restrictions are in fact not for the best in a relationship, since they tend to replace trust with possessive prohibitions, and place relationships into a framework of ownership and control: "You are mine". This reflects cultural assumptions that restrictions are needed to stop partners "drifting", and that additional close relationships would be a serious threat or dilution of that bond.

Polyamorists tend to see their partner's partners' in terms of the gain to their partner's life rather than the threat to their own. The old saying "If you love something, set them free, if they come back they are yours, if not they never were" describes a similar type of outlook. For this reason, many polyamorists see this 'possessive' view of relationships as something to be avoided. This takes a great deal of trust. (A simple test of success: would seeing one's lover find another partner be cause for happiness [compersion] or alarm?)

Although non-possessiveness is an important part of many polyamorous relationships, it is not as universal as the other values discussed above. Alternatives include arrangements in which one possessive primary relationship is combined with non-possessive secondary relationships (common in open marriages), and asymmetrical relationships in which 'ownership' only applies in one direction.

Related groups and concepts

The definitions of polygamy and polyamory allow a great deal of overlap: any loving polygamous relationship could also be considered polyamorous, and many polyamorists consider themselves to be married to more than one person. In practice, however, usage separates the words: "polygamy" is more often used to refer to codified forms of multiple marriage (especially those with a traditional/religious basis), while "polyamory" implies a relationship defined by negotiation between its members rather than cultural norms.

Thus, although polygamy and polyamory are often treated by outsiders as similar concepts, the two groups are based on very different philosophies and ideals, and little interaction occurs between self-described "polygamists" and "polyamorists". Instead, polyamory is more closely associated with those subcultures and ideologies that favour individual freedoms in sexual matters - most notably, gay and BDSM advocacy.

The polyamorous values of respect, honesty, communication and negotiation are akin to those espoused by the BDSM subculture. (Indeed, several prominent polyamory advocates are also BDSM advocates). Many of the problems encountered in polyamorous relationships have close parallels in BDSM, and can be resolved by similar methods; both groups benefit from a cross pollination of ideas.

However, individual attitudes vary widely; within each of these groups, some members find the other groups objectionable.

Criticisms of Polyamory

Religious objections

Most major religious denominations (including all major Christian ones) expect a person to choose one sexual or marital partner. Even those that allow non-monogamous relationships commonly limit this to one rigidly-defined form of marriage - most commonly polygyny. Religious leaders have said little on polyamory, but this is probably due to its low public profile compared to other relational/ethical issues such as homosexuality, and because polyamory is neither widely known nor widely identified as a distinct lifestyle.

Division of love

One common criticism of polyamory is rooted in the belief that by dividing one's love among multiple partners, that love is lessened. This is a Malthusian argument, so called because it treats love as a commodity (like food or other resources) that can only be given to one person by taking it away from another.

Polyamorists reject this view of love, arguing that love need not be lessened by division. A commonly-invoked argument is that a parent who has two children does not love either of them any less because of the existence of the other.

Those who value monogamy often point to the strength and trust that can be built up within a long standing couple, who only are focussed on each other and have no other partners.

An intermediate viewpoint is that maintaining a loving relationship requires time and energy, and neither of these are infinite resources; hence, while it may be possible to love several people just as well as one, there is a point beyond which relationships do begin to suffer.

Perceived failure rates

Polyamorous relationships are often criticised as "not lasting". It is hard to come by accurate numbers on the longevity of polyamorous relationships versus monogamous ones, so this is difficult to measure, for a variety of reasons.

Like many groups with non-traditional relationships, polyamorists often do not publicize their relational status. Commonly, only the ones which fail in public become known. The participants' criteria for a "successful" relationship also do not always coincide with the usual expected "goal" set by conventional monogamy. Polyamory is far more fluid than traditional marriage, so polyamorous relationships change or end as those within them feel right. A relationship that enriches the lives of its participants will usually still be considered a "success" even as it comes to an end. Since this is part of the flow of polyamory, it can be done without the souring that accompanies the end of many marriages.

Because sex and sexuality raise so many deep feelings in people, it is difficult for people to be non-biased in their casual assessment of the "success" of polyamorous relationships, with polyamorists and those opposed to polyamory each making assessments based on 'selective choice of evidence' (that supporting their view). For example, those who are not inclined towards such relationships may judge the type of relationship based on the failure of a particular instance of it, even if they do not judge the entire institution of marriage a failure simply because a particular couple got a divorce. Other criticisms may be based on observation of non-traditional relationships which lack the emphasis polyamory places on honesty, negotiation, and respect.

With a lack of disciplined academic study in this area, there is simply no research comparing monogamous relationships with polyamorous ones, either in terms of longevity (as a measure for those relationships which do make a "life-long" commitment), or in terms of meeting the expectations of those participating. While a casual observer might see many polyamorous relationships ending, supporters of polyamory note that relatively few monogomous relationships are truly successful either: citing the divorce rate, the number of marriages which hold together in name only, and the number where partners are unhappy or cheat. So until proper studies are done, claims either way should be taken as anecdotal, potentially biased, and certainly unscientific.

Inability/unwillingness to commit

Polyamory is sometimes seen as an inability, or unwillingness, to make a lasting commitment to one partner — especially a commitment to sexual exclusivity to one person for one's entire lifetime, as in traditional monogamous marriage.

In fact Polyamorists commonly see themselves as making more commitments, much as a parent is committed to loving all her/his offspring. One expression used by polyamorists is that "We are faithful to ALL our lovers".

Famous Polyamorous

  • Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir


External links

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